my one sided situationship with a good night's sleep - part one
I'm trying to make it a real relationship
Here’s a list of things that have been normal for me every night for as far back as my conscious memory goes into my childhood. Lucid dreaming like it’s muscle memory. Daily vivid dreaming, nightmares for years. Visiting familiar places in dreams again and again that I have never been to in this life and yet know my way around like the back of my hand in dreamworld. Dreams continuing where they left off even if I wake up alarmed from a disturbing part in the dream and then go back to sleep. Dreams recurring over years and years. Sleep paralysis, and tactile sleep paralysis hallucinations of somebody touching me in my bed while my eyes are open but my body immobile. Waking up in the middle of the night to burn sage, threateningly recite the hanuman chalisa and say “begone! begone!” to an imaginary demon until I learned that this was all a stressed, disturbed brain state I can prevent. Melatonin tabs that never worked. Talking in my sleep, punching in my sleep. Waking up feeling so grateful that my awake reality is softer and happier than how it feels like to sleep.
I am a triple water sign (Pisces Sun, Cancer Moon, Scorpio Rising) woman who has been there, done that for all of this and more. So, as a veteran of bad sleep, know that you’re in for a really long post today, and it calls for being split into two parts.
I have been learning how to sleep better for the nourishment of my physical body. For too long, it has been my normal to have a stressful, frightful, disturbed sleep at night.
I learnt only very recently in my health and wellness journey that the sleep dysfunction I lived with as though it was normal isn’t how all people sleep, and that I have to pay more attention to healing this aspect of my life.
I did the melatonin tabs that swear to be innocent health supplements, and they didn’t work on me, in ways that really creeped me out. I feel that the body is an interconnected, intertwined, highly intricate energy system where everything affects everything else, and interrupting this by artificially and externally inserting a hormone (melatonin) that your brain should and can be producing by itself does not lead to a sleep that comes from natural harmony and balance. Whenever I consumed different varieties of these, they knocked me out instantly for about 2-3 hours and then I woke up in the middle of the night feeling very wide awake, unable to go back to sleep. This was the same thing that happened when, long ago, I was wrongly advised a psychiatric prescription medicine for anxiety, that did nothing but disrupt my body’s sleep cycle in frightful ways. As a woman of slow, conscious living and a fan of turning towards Mother Nature for ailments for my remedies, it just didn’t fit with me. And so I began a very different journey of learning how to sleep better, naturally. Turning within to my own body. I learnt that this takes looking at my lifestyle as a whole - not a quick fix I can pop at night. I discovered how the only way is to become friends with my body - in spite of productivity culture. To become tuned in to it’s gentle whispers in a loud, noisy world that keeps these messages drowned out from us most of the time.
Tossing and turning, never experiencing true rest, waking up tired from dreaming, I used to think that maybe everyone lives like this and just doesn’t talk about it. It was my initiation into Yin yoga and Restorative Yoga (in the very medicinal, healing, life transforming space of The Daily Rest Studio) that pretty much changed my life by shedding light onto how much help my sleep cycle needs, among so many other things that I learnt from these ancient systems about rest as a health practice.
The world culture that we live in, of course, does nothing to help this, and I know that so many of us in our different ways are also struggling to sleep - our brains are generally overstimulated, addled with blue light and smartphone addiction as a norm, our bodies undermoved, frozen and still fatigued.
Recently, I shared an Instagram story about the bedding and pillows I have discovered to aid sleep in my many years of trying to sleep better. Some thought thought I’m a little privileged princess with the pea under her mattress - surely they are Earth signs, born grounded and can never relate to my issue because most Earth signs I know can fall asleep on a boulder. So many also messaged me about struggling with the same, and to share what I’ve learnt in my quest to sleep better.
This is, of course, no substitute for medical advice, nor is it guaranteed to work universally on everyone. One of the most important lessons I’ve learned in my experiments with sleep is that we are all so different. Every single detail about our lives influences the way we sleep. We all sleep so differently, and we are all built in ways such that what works for one might never work for another. In my journey with Human Design, I’ve learnt how each one of our unique designs influences what we need in order to sleep well - some of us need more wind down time than others, some of us need solitude in the bed more than others and can be affected by the energy of another human in our bed even if it’s the love of our life. I know people who are knocked out into deep sleep in half a cup of chamomile tea, while I wake up with roaring anxiety energy and drink chamomile instead of coffee as my morning ritual to bring myself down to the nervous system level of a sane person.
Hearing from others about what helps them sleep better is a journey, of trial, experimentation, and trusting your own inner knowing whenever you need to. A lot of the shares in here come from things I heard of from other people - a meet-cute with a handsome stranger at my favourite cafe taught me about red light and melatonin. A Human Design circle taught me about how the energy body influences sleep. My parent’s inability to live together taught me about how every human’s unique sleep habits deserves it’s own space and privacy, and how dangerous it can be to normalize sleeping together as a couple at all times. Several conversations around brown culture and our excessive glorification of the 5am club taught me about the importance of honouring your own waking rhythm. A whole lot of witchy sisters led me to a whole lot of beautiful herbs. My wonky journey might just inspire you to try something you haven’t before, or it may put you on the path to stumble upon what works best for your sleep. I would love for you to read this as my story, not my guidance, and let it be an invitation to discover your own way.
Today’s letter about my most all-consuming situationship with sleep is about my journey with using Nature - outside and within - to feel better.
I’m diving into using the gifts that grow from Earth, remembering my interconnection with Mama Gaia, relearning the ancient, evolutionary ways encoded within me about rising and sleeping, understanding the intricate magic woven into the cells, patterns and systems of my body, and working with the tools already present in my own body which helped me to work with it instead of against it for sleeping better.
Brewing enchanted potions and calling upon the power of Earth’s gifts to us - herbs, plants and natural medicine:
I’d long ago noticed in myself an unwillingness to do cute little things with herbs as part of my daily life. My younger mind had internalized a rather toxic message from the modern world - that I should be able to, as an organism, achieve everything good about life individually and from within myself, irrespective of the plants, foods and herbs that I eat or the thoughts I think, be it my sleep, good digestion, good mental health, smooth periods or any other lifestyle issue. We’re all taught by default that we should be perfect, functioning machines that don’t need anyone or anything else except for a doctor in a white coat.
I thought that the only way to live is to be this isolated, self-sustaining being within whom everything works perfectly, and medicines can only mean pharmaceutical pills meant to “fix” something that is “wrong” with me. I shouldn’t “need” a cup of herbal tea or a yoga practice to sleep, because needing that means I am flawed, a health failure or some sort of spoiled baby who needs a whole fuss to do something as basic and natural as sleeping. Good god, I am not even going to begin going into how toxic we are unconsciously trained to be to ourselves.
Almost all plants and beings in Nature - in the ocean and on earth - rely upon other plants and beings in Nature for optimal health. Ask my perfectly healthy cat who nibbles on lemongrass everyday despite being a total carnivore and a big, scary, top-of-the-food-chain apex predator (he is right next to me, I am under duress).
What if I told you that using herbs, flowers and spices to live better as a human being on a daily basis is how we were meant to live as part of an interconnected universe, as part of Nature? What if I told you that it doesn’t mean that you’re an oldie, a baby, or a flawed, unfit person for using herbs as a daily lifestyle? Most Indians do not struggle with this, our ayurvedic ways are very much alive, but an increasing number of us do and I have to state it for them. Those of us who, like me, grew up in cities where everything is prescriptions, home deliveries and cut fruit sold in clingfilm especially struggle with making herbal medicine a part of our daily life, because we are not used to living directly dependent on and in harmony with Nature - even though we literally are. It’s easy for us urban people to remember “plants provide oxygen” as a school lesson, but it’s not easy for us to honour in our day to day life that we are alive only due to the gifts of plants and Nature. “I shouldn’t need to” or “I’m sure a prescription sleeping pill is better than some plants” is a modern mindset disease that’s keeping us away from the gift of plant medicine.
I liberally stock pure, edible flowers in my kitchen now - chamomile, lavender, roses, calendula. It is such a beautiful sight, having a witchy little herb apothecary of my own. I used to drink a blend of chamomile, lavender, sage and valerian root that gifted me the most beautiful sleep. I sometimes use them as a herbal smoke, even the fragrance burning in a ceramic cauldron in my room is so relaxing. I’ve recently begun using heart-opening ceremonial cacao, which I will write a separate post about later, and it has been immensely healing, grounding and softening as a cup before bed. I started using prescription based full spectrum CBD Oil that is designed for sleeping better, and cannabis medicine has - totally unsurprisingly - been so good for me to be less anxious in my sleep.
I recently learnt that brewing and steeping whole flowers is a completely different, more potent and more effective method than using teabags that have only a fine powder inside them. Whole leaf or whole flower steeps taste deeper and way more delicious than a readymade powder teabag which actually contains the byproduct dust of the teamaking process. When I first experienced steeping whole chamomile flowers, the teabags I’d tasted were like cardboard water in comparison to water steeped with the whole flower. Chamomile has this deep, honeyed, naturally sweet, buttery, sensual flavour, and whole flowers can be steeped up to three times. I avoid consuming anything with green tea leaves in it after sunset, because that has caffeine. We only want a tisane at night - a tisane is a hot cup of steeped flowers or herbs that has no tea leaves whatsoever. It’s actually not ‘tea’ even if it’s called tea casually, because it doesn’t have any caffeine-giving tea leaves.
Herbs are truly, deeply medicinal and so easily accessible to us. I let go of the need for melatonin tablets when Nature has so many gifts to relax the nervous system already. Making a night routine of creating a sleep blend that works for you, trying different things until you arrive at which herb suits you best, and even speaking your intention into your cup as you stir it can bring a beautiful sleep. And, it’s totally okay, normal, good and not weird at all to do this every night. Human beings are a part of Nature, we are meant to use Nature’s herbs all the time to live a better life just because, herbal medicine is not only for when we need a fix for a full blown sickness. We are meant to be interconnected in this way. It’s a part of a harmonious life to enjoy these gifts of the Earth. A mindful, no-device me time with a cup and a book can bring the body down to a more relaxed state, and that always helps me to go closer to sleeping well. The way that this world is feeling, I think we should all have whole lavender and whole chamomile flowers stocked in our kitchen at all times.
I should add that herbs are not sleeping pills - and that Nature doesn’t work in the way that our good ol’ pharmaceutical chemicals do. Herbs will not force your body to ‘knock out’ into sleep no matter what you’re doing, and it’s kinda dystopian how we crave this immediate gratification to decide an herb’s efficacy. Herbs work with you, they are your allies, which means that if you consume herbs as well as create the environmental conditions within and around to allow your body to go into rest, relax and recovery mode, the herbs will beautifully aid and enhance your sleep. I’ve found that if I am sipping a cup of relaxing chamomile while furiously texting, mindlessly scrolling, frying my eyes with blue light watching reels in a dark room, freaking myself out at a lowkey level reading the news, or doing any other highly overstimulating brain activity, I am simply not allowing the herb to work for me - and it won’t. Herbs are deeply, magically effective when you create an ambience for them to show you their powers, when you use them intentionally, as ancient medicines always were.
Honouring our inner cave(wo)man and the circadian rhythm:
How intimate we are with our little smartphones - we have this insatiable itch to fondle with them right before we sleep, and we tend to reach for them the moment we wake up with even more fervent desire than we may reach for our lover next to us. Why is pretty much everyone sleeping badly? Because pretty much everyone is always staring at a screen, for hours and hours everyday.
Staring at a screen is our work, our pleasure, our duty, our leisure, all of it.
The evolution of the human body, however, has not yet caught up to the speed of technology. Our bodies are still releasing sleep hormones on the assumption that sunlight and darkness will let us know when’s the right time to feel sleepy. Our bodies are still tuned to that world where everyone was intimate with Earth instead of a device. When we worked under the sky at all times, when we were woken up by the sun and only had dim firelit nights. Is it just me, or do you also notice how you feel so much cozier, relaxed and in the mood for softness, rest and pleasure when you’re spending a night around a bonfire or have only candles lit in your room? Or when your lighting is kept dim at night? The amount of artificial light we directly stare at all day everyday makes it difficult for our primal, ancient bodies to wind down into sleep mode. Here’s a dark experiment that I’ve seen as evidence of this many, many times - if I happen to be feeling really sleepy around 9pm, but I think that it’s too early and I should fuck around on Instagram for a while, in just 20-30 minutes of exposure to my phone, my brain has decided to be totally awake again. That seductive, sleepy lull doesn’t remain nor return, and the rest of my night is now troubled. Staring at light - especially the blue light of our devices - will signal to the brain that it’s still daytime, and make it work to keep us feeling awake and active.
My yoga mentor swears by taking a walk during the sunset, and it’s about how staring at the changing colours of the twilight sky will signal to your body that it’s going to be sleepy time very soon. Another yoga mentor taught me how closing your eyes and letting the sun hit your face first thing in the morning for ten minutes right after you wake up will set your circadian rhythm just right and realign your body’s clock to naturally make you feel sleepy at night.
It is so primal, and natural, for us to need to see the sky a lot more than we see our phones.
I learnt from someone studying to be a doctor that exposure to red light right before bed will make your brain release melatonin on it’s own. I love to sit in red light in my room, right before bed, and I’ve found that sitting by a candle or a very dim yellow light also works the same. If you’re going to be scrolling your phone at this time, it’s never going to work, lol. Our phones need to be switched to ‘Night mode’ at sunset, brightness kept low, ideally minimally used and then not used at all for an hour before bed. There are apps that make your screen warm, to eliminate blue light and make it better for our eyes - I use one called EasyEyes. Post my Lasik surgery, my wonderful eye doctor gave me reading glasses with a blue light filter, and I’m supposed to always use them for any mobile or Kindle exposure post sunset. I feel like occasionally having no screens post 8pm can be so wonderful for our health, and there’s a lot one can do at night outside of a TV or mobile phone. But if you live alone, or feel alone, it can be torturous on some days to not have a device to turn to. If you love using your devices at night, then you must aim for at least an hour of being awake sans-screens in red, yellow or dim candle light before going to sleep. This time can be one for skincare, tidying, reading next to a candle, journaling, meal prepping, meditating, self-pleasure, absolutely anything that’s easy to do in a dimmed setting. The night vision comfort setting on our phones, anti-blue light reading glasses or anti-blue light apps really, really help our brains and eyes, and it’s so easy to start using them. Look up the circadian rhythm, and how blue light disrupts it, and you’ll be inspired to make this very tiny, very easy and very effective change to nourish your sleep cycle.
Working with the body and inspiring ‘sleep mode’ somatically
I remember once telling a loved one who was having a hard time going to sleep, “Just keep your phone away and aim to take your body into a deep rest and relax mode. Let that be your goal, and if sleep is meant to come, it will come on it’s own. If it doesn’t for a while, it’s ok, because your goal was only to take rest anyway.” This advice never fails ;)
When I joined The Daily Rest - an online yoga studio wherein lies a treasure of restorative yoga, deep rest and yin practices, apart from more fun, active Vinyasa for the daytime - I learnt so much about rest and sleep and that transformed the way I live. I recognized how I - and this whole society - are seriously, chronically fatigued, and yet living in sleep debt and always under-rested. We are overworking ourselves all week, and then abuse our nervous systems in the name of ‘relaxing’ over the weekend in ways that are not truly restful for the body at all. We have normalized jobs, relationships, schedules and lives where our body is doing the most toxic thing a human body can do - living in a lowkey stress response state of fight/flight/freeze for days, weeks, months and years on end. Pretty much all of human society’s health issues start making sense to you when you realise that we’re doing this, and that we have little to no knowledge about how to actually rest such tightly wound up, chronically ‘alert’ bodies at all. Rest is medicine, and laying on your bed scrolling IG after a long day is not it, nor is television. Of course, this doesn’t mean we shouldn’t do those things - they are so fun, we need them for connection and we should definitely enjoy them. I’m just saying that if that’s all that ‘rest’ looks like to us, our physical bodies are never going to be rested, and it’s going to show in our poor health.
There’s so many things I’ve learnt to do with my body that can transform and enhance my sleep quality. If I am feeling too much mental energy, overthinking and restlessness - I move, shake, dance and release it all out through movement practices. I once did 11 days of the Osho meditation, guided by Krystal Aranyani. This meditation had stages - shaking, dancing, standing or sitting in stillness and relaxing. We would vigorously shake and vibrate all of our bodies in the most insane, ugly ways, and what magic it was. I often think about how almost all the animals on Earth do some kind of physical shaking, moving, moaning, growling, running around, any and every kind of physical action to express, process and move feelings through their body. They don’t have to be well-behaved all the time, after all. But us humans, we need to be proper, and we need to quietly, nicely ‘think’ ourselves a hole through the wall whenever something goes wrong, lest we offend someone or come off as weird. We ‘store’ all of our negative memories in our bodies, and it makes us sick. We marinate in our own suffering, unreleased and unexpressed because of so many reasons coming from our constructs of propriety. Women, especially, have never been made to feel safe to truly embody and express rage. Having a safe, locked, private moment to just shake, scream, voice or stomp a pillow about something can be so healthy for us, and we’re not crazy for needing this. Processing life with the help of our bodies - instead of our minds alone - can be so medicinal.
Some nights, a few minutes of breathwork in bed helps me to change the experience of my whole sleep cycle. It’s so magical how the way we breath can change our whole vibration, mood and physical state. Even doing ten focused breaths where the exhale is longer than the inhale brings a profound, felt sense of relaxation. There’s so many restorative yoga postures that help the body ‘come down’ from the day, exit the stress mode of our work life and enter the nervous system state of rest. We are no longer physical labourers who can hit the pillow and fall into deep sleep in an instant - a lot of us are now doing work that keeps us ‘in our head’ all day. Switching off all that mental energy takes patience, some time and a ritual, and the more you’re in your head all day - the more you need to come back into the body before being able to fall asleep. Or else, your sleep is likely to be littered with tossing, turning, constant mental chatter and excessively vivid dreaming like mine is, greatest overthinker of the world and triple water sign that I am.
Taking up practices that help me come back to my body and consciously alter my body’s state through a physical practice before bed - breathwork, restorative movement, restorative yoga, yin - improves my sleep so significantly that sometimes I laugh about it. “Seriously? It was that simple to fix this? I just needed to remember that I am a little human, after all, and that I need to come back to my physical body instead of living in my head as a lifestyle?”
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I’m ending today’s letter here, and I’m going to come back to you with more on my slow, imperfect journey with sleep next week. Until then, I hope you find a way to try these out and share with me if they made you feel an improvement. Do you already practice some of these? What are your night routines?