the self-denial arc with wearing pinks and reds
a universal inner feminine exile-to-embrace experience
Do you ever wonder about how much of corporate culture - a club made for and by boys for most of history - is basically anti-femininity? How much “be professional” advice is actually a mask for “don’t be feminine, feminine is weak and wrong and bad, girly, eww”
Do you ever wonder about how it starts with “Don’t be such a girl (derogatory), be a man (upliftment), you’re such a pussy (derogatory), do you have the balls for this (upliftment)” in our childhood and grows up into “Don’t wear the pink, flowy dress with paisleys and hoops to work, you better wear the straight, crisp blue tunic if you want to be taken seriously (because we’re in a world where only masculinity is taken seriously, even if you would still be exactly the leader and changemaker you’re capable of being in both of these outfits.”
We are trained to feel cringe about girly our whole childhood and adolescence. We are trained to exile, shut off, tone down, silence, erase the feminine at work. Wherever we are, wherever we go, we encounter a force working to exile the feminine, inner and outer.
And now we are a world of men getting special applause for wearing pink and red, and women taking lifetimes to be okay with being seen unapologetically loving pink and red. Here’s the universal inner feminine experience of pink and red self denial I am talking about.
There exist such deeply subtle, insidious codes of anti-femininity and feminine energy exiling in our patriarchal society, so subtle you could spend your whole life never even realising they exist, that wearing colours associated with the feminine is always a gentle revolution of some kind for so many humans.
I’ve been having a long phase of revelling in wearing pinks and reds all together, unapologetically. Basking in Barbiecore. Head-to-toe. Almost unleashing hyperfeminine inner stripper energy, I might just buy a feather boa to dance with in my room as a self-care routine.
And I’ve been feeling into a universal feminine experience - noticing especially it’s manifestation in the women in my life, while acknowledging that everyone’s inner feminine can go through this in our society - of shying away from wearing these colours until something unblocks within you emotionally, spiritually and energetically, and you feel free to embrace enjoying something “girly” - unironically, fearlessly and without cringe.
Of course, I’ve always found it unnecessary (and a lil stupid) how we decide that blue is for boys and pink is for girls. But what I’m gently poking at today isn’t how this original division should never have existed, but how our relationship to these colours in response to this existing reflects our shadows and unhealed aspects with feminine energy.
Yes, blue is for everyone and pink is for everyone. Of course, men who wear pink shouldn’t even need to be applauded for it, it’s so normal that they look lovely in pink because pink is a lovely colour on every human - whether from blushing with a lover, what living in the mountains for more than ten days does to our skin, or on a tshirt.
But I’m taking a moment to step away from The Ideal and peer into what is - that pink is seen as a feminine energy colour. And what did we do with this association, so far, in society?
A man wearing pink is seen as secure in his masculinity enough to be in touch with his inner feminine side, that might be what someone with a healthy gaze may say. Or, he’s seen as “girly” and ridicule-worthy by someone with an unhealthy, wounded gaze.
Girly. What was your experience of this word growing up?
For most of us, we were trained to fear, ridicule and edge away from “girly.” Girly was bad, weak, wrong. Boys were taught to be embarassed of being girly. Girls were taught to be embarassed of being girly. The cool, edgy girl, whether a protagonist in teen fiction or someone in your friend group is likely to be “one of the boys,” she’s not girly, eww.
I recently saw a styling reel from an Indian image consultant about how to dress more professionally to office in Indian wear, it was about the Do’s and Dont’s of corporate office Indian wear. The caption described how a woman can look more authoritative and put together at work. In clip one, the “Don’t Do This, Its Not Work Appropriate” clip, she wears a flared, pink block printed anarkali. For my non-Indian readers, imagine a modest, slightly flowy, twirly, full length dress with an empire line that has Indian motifs on it, something we saw our teachers wear all the time growing up in India. She wears a little jewellery, some hoops on her ears and a bangle on one wrist. These are all traditionally Indian feminine things which will never get in the way of any kind of desk work ever. Then, we switch to the “Do This” clip, where she changes into a manly blue, the kind you’d see on a men’s suiting fabric, in a straight, narrow tunic with pintucks at the yoke. The hoops and the bangle disappear in favour of barely there accessories, and a caption flashes with the instruction to wear muted neutrals to look sophisticated, crisp and monochromatic.
Okay, both of her looks are lovely, and I’m totally for deciding your own vibe of what makes you feel crisp, authoritative and elegant at a corporate workspace. I’m totally for deciding what makes you feel ‘casual,’ and what makes you feel ‘serious.’ Fashion is self-expression, and image consultants know best how to convey energy through clothing.
This is, by no means, intended to criticize the reel. But it is an invitation to look into the gender stereotype thought forms and energy undercurrent that fuels this nature of fashion advice everywhere, since years and years. I noticed it in design school, in styling classes as a student, and I still notice it now. This reel made me reflect and observe from a zoomed out place.
Are you reading between it’s lines and seeing what I saw here?
We’re constantly absorbing this message - To look more professional, authoritative and crisp at the workplace, remove any and all femininity in your attire. Not for anything to do with utility, because you could do that work just as well in both of these sartorial traditional outfits. To be seen as more professional, we are subtly being told to seem more masculine.
I feel like the styling education we have always received - as professionals who went to design school like her and I, or just as consumers who follow fashion content - needs a revamp. Because we aren’t seeing a big, glaring truth here.
A LOT of what we are taught about looking corporate, professional and authoritative is actually this message in disguise - “Look more masculine, dress more masculine, develop a firm handshake. Tone down, hide and erase your femininity at the office if you want to be taken seriously.” What is encoded in this? “Because, of course, only men should be taken seriously?” “Become more like a man to be treated equal to men?”
We all have our patriarchal conditioning, we’ve all succumbed to the scam of feeling pressured to prove ourselves as equal to men by erasing our inner feminine and presenting excessively in our masculine - trying to become men ourselves - instead of embracing and leading with our feminine. Feminine leadership and feminine authority has always existed in human society, but we seem to have forgotten that leadership isn’t just masculine.
Do you ever wonder about how much of corporate culture - a club made for and by boys for most of history - is basically anti-femininity? How much “be professional” advice is actually a mask for “don’t be feminine, feminine is weak and wrong and bad, girly, eww”
Do you ever wonder about how it starts with “Don’t be such a girl (derogatory), be a man (upliftment), you’re such a pussy (derogatory), do you have the balls for this (upliftment)” in our childhood and grows up into “Don’t wear the pink, flowy dress with paisleys and hoops to work, you better wear the straight, crisp blue tunic if you want to be taken seriously (because we’re in a world where only masculinity is taken seriously, even if you would still be exactly the leader and changemaker you’re capable of being in both of these outfits.”
We are trained to feel cringe about girly our whole childhood and adolescence. We are trained to exile, shut off, tone down, silence, erase the feminine at work. Wherever we are, wherever we go, we encounter a force working to exile the feminine, inner and outer.
And now we are a world of men getting special applause for wearing pink and red, and women taking lifetimes to be okay with being seen unapologetically loving pink and red. Here’s the universal inner feminine experience of pink and red self denial I am talking about.
There exist such deeply subtle, insidious codes of anti-femininity and feminine energy exiling in our patriarchal society, so subtle you could spend your whole life never even realising they exist, that wearing colours associated with the feminine is always a gentle revolution of some kind for so many humans.
I used to never wear pink, because I have always been shamed for being delicate, sensitive and feminine at all levels, and wearing pink felt like poking at those bruises. It felt like wearing on my sleeve what I was specifically told to cast away. I spent most of my life thinking that I should be fighting against these aspects of myself. I, like so many women, was indoctrinated that red lips and fits that weren’t ‘toned down’ are ‘slutty',’ ‘too much’ and ‘attention-seeking’ - words they love to use when faced with aspects of feminine power that we are deeply afraid of. When the goddess came into my life, she made sure I matured like wine into the unapologetic, exhilarating power in reclaiming red, especially red lipstick.
I used to feel like being told I look like a Barbie was deeply cringe, bad, embarassing and wrong, and ‘girly’ was something I should strive to not be cast into.
Like way too many of us, I, too, grew up believing that casting away, discarding and shedding anything to do with feminine energy was the way to be a Serious, Professional, Correct, Good, Cool, Strong, Successful Person who means anything in this world.
These days, I am basking ravenously and unapologetically in wearing reds and pinks, and it feels like how lunching solo at a fully occupied cafe eating peaches with my bare hands and juice dripping down my wrist would feel like. It feels like I’m finally healing, and allowing her to exist and take up space in this world.
I leave you with these beautiful, beautiful conversations around my Instagram theme #BarbiecoreWithO, a series about deeply revelling in the pink and red Barbie life with Indian textiles, sarees and sustainable fashion.
And a case for floral dresses, something to accompany the vibe of what you just read from me, by my most favourite person on Substack - Emmie of The Deep Rest Salon.
Also, here’s my dad - a fashion icon since the 80s haha - in a gorgeous hemp-fabric tee (and a daughter who’s half a step away from full Morticia Addams) in a pink so rich it outpinks ALL of my pinks.
With lots of Aphrodite and Barbie blessings,
O.
The most tragic part of becoming a teenager was denying my femininity. I’m so glad to be reclaiming it. I also love these discussions, this modern wave of feminism realising that we don’t have to become men to be equal to them. That feminism is allowing all women to wear what they want, do what they want and be who they want. Including wearing red and pink 🩰💄 Your words are always so delectable!! A much needed voice for womankind 🩷❤️
I have a little project idea. You can compile a list of heroines(in literature, cinema etc.) that exemplify the flavour of feminine energy in a woman in her red/pink dress. To start off, I have two examples:
1) Cameron Diaz when see meets Jim Carrey for the first time in the movie Mask(1994)
2) Winona Ryder with werewolf in the movie Bram Stoker's Dracula(1992)
https://werewolf-news.com/2022/12/full-moon-features-bram-stokers-dracula-1992/